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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
It`s no fun if you have permission.