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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP