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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Do angry people know about naps?
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.