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I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.