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Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards