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I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.