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A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
I’m sad when my food is over.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin