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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.