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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.