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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)