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"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.