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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown