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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.