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Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do