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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.