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All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Life is fun! You should get one.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.