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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
Dear Santa, I was framed!
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers