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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.