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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.