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* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?