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If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.