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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?