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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.