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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.