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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!