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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!