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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.