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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!