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If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?