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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.