Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.