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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.