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If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.