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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."