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Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?