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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.