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I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Marriage tip: Don`t
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.