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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.