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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
he who laughs last thinks slow
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park