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i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.