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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
I hate when the remote is way over there
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.