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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.