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Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops