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My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.