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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.