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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks