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There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!