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Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.