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Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.