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A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-