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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.