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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
Hold boobs not grudges.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.