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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.