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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.