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Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.