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One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.