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60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Home is where the pants aren’t.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.