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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
How long does it take to get obsessed?