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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!