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lol <- looks like a stick man drowning. lol
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!