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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t