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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.