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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.