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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
The older I get the better I used to be.