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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
Iām late for a disappointment.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
I drink coffee for your protection.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.