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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
My life coach just benched me.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom