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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.