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The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I drink coffee for your protection.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.