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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.