Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.