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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
I’m late for a disappointment.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.