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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.