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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Marriage is for quitters
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.