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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.