Daily Silly Status

I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`

When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."

All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.

I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.

Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."

It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!

I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…

I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew

Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.

Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.

I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??

If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there

I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers